


Message received five minutes ago

by TNKT



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900 Friendship, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Is a Good Bro, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) is So Done, Connor has to deal with so many manchildren, Cute Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Denial of Feelings, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Deviant Upgraded Connor | RK900, Everyone is whipped for Simon, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, Gavin sounds sexually frustrated at any rate, Hank Anderson & Connor Friendship, Hank Anderson & Connor Parent-Child Relationship, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Josh is a salty boi, Multi, North and Josh argue a lot, Petty Arguments, Pining, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Protective North (Detroit: Become Human), Some Plot, Supportive Upgraded Connor | RK900, at least it's not supposed to be, but it's not crack, chat fic, reed900 probably, there's actually a case somewhere in there, wait is it menchildren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-01 05:54:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18329960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TNKT/pseuds/TNKT
Summary: The Jericrew and the DPD discover the joys of group conversations.Sometimes things get a little too real.(Note : this isn't a crack fic)





	1. Do you really love me?

< _Simon has changed the name of the chat to Best of Jericho_ >

< _Simon has changed North to killmaimdestroy_ >

< _Simon has changed Josh to zerodeaths_ >

< _Simon has changed Markus to Messiah_ >

< _Simon has changed their name to DFJ_ >

killmaimdestroy : Eh, i'm fine with that  
killmaimdestroy : just

< _killmaimdestroy has changed their name to KillMaimDestroy_ >

KillMaimDestroy : There, that's better  
KillMaimDestroy : Has a bit more oomf to it

zerodeaths : No one cares.

KillMaimDestroy : Okay who took your will to live?

Messiah : Let's not start a fight in the first thirty seconds of this chat's existence, please.  
Messiah : What does your name mean, Simon?

DFJ : down for jesus

KillMaimDestroy : Oh, i get it

zerodeaths : Everyone gets it, North.

KillMaimDestroy : Damn, who hurt you?

zerodeaths : Sorry, I don't know what came over me.

DFJ : uh i know she just pisses you off

zerodeaths : What? No.

DFJ : are you kidding me? you guys are always fighting

KillMaimDestroy : It's okay you annoy me too josh, you don't have to pretend  
KillMaimDestroy : And i'm pretty sure you didn't actually get it

zerodeaths : I did!

KillMaimDestroy : Pff you're too pure, i don't believe you

Messiah : Well I didn't get it.

zerodeaths : Really Markus?

DFJ : really markus?

KillMaimDestroy : Really markus?  
KillMaimDestroy : Come on you can't be that dense

zerodeaths : Markus...  
zerodeaths : The jesus refers to you obviously.

Messiah : Oh  
Messiah : Of course.

DFJ : yeah  
DFJ : so  
DFJ : do you want to come over

KillMaimDestroy : Ugh, get a room you two

**5 minutes later**

DFJ : markus  
DFJ : you there?

KillMaimDestroy : Awkward

DFJ : shut up north

zerodeaths : Shut up, North.

**3 minutes later**

Messiah : I'm sorry Simon, I didn't know how to react. You took me by surprise.

DFJ : yeah i figured  
DFJ : mightve been just a tad too straightforward  
DFJ : youre kind of a big prude

KillMaimDestroy : True dat

zerodeaths : Oh my god, North, will you shut up and let them talk?

KillMaimDestroy : Well if they're carrying on in this group chat it's that they don't mind us

DFJ : actually

< _DFJ has removed KillMaimDestroy from the chat_ >

< _DFJ has removed zerodeaths from the chat_ >

DFJ : there  
DFJ : so whats your answer?

Messiah : Listen, Simon, this is a bit...  
Messiah : I don't know what to say.

DFJ : okay...  
DFJ : whats wrong?

Messiah : We obviously care a lot for each other.  
Messiah : But do you really see me in that way?

DFJ : what are you talking about

Messiah : How do you feel about me exactly?

DFJ : thats  
DFJ : a pretty difficult question markus

Messiah : Take your time.

DFJ : look, i want to be close to you  
DFJ : and since youre really going to make me say it  
DFJ : yes, i do love you  
DFJ : why are you doing this?

Messiah : Please, don't be upset, Simon... I'm not doing this because I enjoy it. I just don't want us making rash decisions now that we have time on our hands.  
Messiah : Our liberation happened over the course of a few days.  
Messiah : During that period of time, I felt closer to you than any one else there, because you were always at my side supporting my every decision.  
Messiah : I'll always be grateful to you for what you did.  
Messiah : But do you love me as Markus, or do you love me as the leader of Jericho?  
Messiah : Do you love me for who I am, or for what I represent?

DFJ : markus do we have to do this

Messiah : I don't know about your life, Simon. I don't know you as a whole, but only as the brave and loyal android that marched by my side for our freedom.  
Messiah : An android that was willing to sacrifice himself for our cause, and maybe even just for me, but an android whose past I have no knowledge of.  
Messiah : It's the same for you, towards me. You don't know me as a whole, only as your leader.  
Messiah : You don't really know who it is you love.

DFJ : okay stop  
DFJ : usually i like when you get all philosophical  
DFJ : but right know

Messiah : Simon

DFJ : im sorry but i dont want to talk about this anymore

< _DFJ has left the chat_ >

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> This was supposed to be just Jericrew shenanigans but then Markus went off the deep end and you know.  
> This chapter is supposed to get a follow-up but I don't know if you guys will feel invested enough to actually want one.  
> So you tell me.
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	2. This is only for professional use

< _Connor has changed the name of the chat to Investigation_ >

Connor : Hello everyone. I have created this chat to facilitate communication between us at work.

Nines : That is a good idea.

Hank : it's a terrible idea

Gavin : I don't want to be here. 

< _Gavin has removed themselves from the chat_ >

< _Connor has added Gavin to the chat_ >

Connor : Please, Detective Reed. This is only for professional use.

Gavin : fck off Connor

< _Gavin has removed themselves from the chat_ >

Hank : oh boy Connor, you've got another thing coming if you think this is going to remain for professional use

Connor : What do you mean?

< _Connor has added Gavin to the chat_ >

Gavin : STOP ADDING ME TO THE FKN CHAT  
Gavin : I swear if you do that one more time I'm getting up and kicking your ass

< _Gavin has removed themselves from the chat_ >

< _Nines has added Gavin to the chat_ >

Gavin : That's it I warned you

Nines : Detective Reed, I'm the one who added you to the chat this time.  
Nines : Would you please act like you work at the DPD for once.

Gavin : Oh fuck off tin can

< _Hank has changed Gavin to tempertantrum_ >

tempertantrum : Are you fucking serious right now

< _tempertantrum has changed Hank to oldfart_ >

oldfart : oh yeah, real mature Reed

tempertantrum : Fuck off you can't tell me what to do  
tempertantrum : You think you're more mature than me?  
tempertantrum : You started this shit

Connor : Everyone, please.

< _Nines has changed their name to harder_better_faster_stronger_ >  
< _harder_better_faster_stronger has changed Connor to obsolete_ >

obsolete : Nines, not you too.

harder_better_faster_stronger : It's funny.

obsolete : It really isn't.

harder_better_faster_stronger : And it's the truth.

obsolete : Now you're just being mean.

< _oldfart has changed obsolete to thedogwhisperer_ >

thedogwhisperer : Is that a reference?

oldfart : yeah, look it up

thedogwhisperer : I looked it up. Is it a reference to The Horse Whisperer?

oldfart : yep

thedogwhisperer : I think I rather like this nickname.  
thedogwhisperer : Thank you Lieutenant.

tempertantrum : All right I thought this was supposed to be a professional chat not a dating site.

oldfart : jesus christ Gavin  
oldfart : Connor's like half my age  
oldfart : have you always been this perverted

thedogwhisperer : And I've only been alive for a few months. 

oldfart : yeah, and that

tempertantrum : He's a fucking machine why are you acting like I'm some pedophile

harder_better_faster_stronger : Maybe we should move on.

thedogwhisperer : You're right, Nines.  
thedogwhisperer : The reason I created this chat is because Captain Fowler announced earlier this morning that Lieutenant Anderson and I were going to work with you two on our most recent case.

tempertantrum : What? I wasn't aware of that. No one told me shit.

oldfart : slow down with the persecution complex Reed  
oldfart : Fowler just didn't have the time to tell you yet

harder_better_faster_stronger : I wasn't made aware of this either, if that is of any comfort to you.

tempertantrum : Shut up, tin can, I didn't ask.  
tempertantrum : Fuck, I can't believe I have to work with you two when I'm already dealing with blue eyes white dragon over here.

oldfart : haha  
oldfart : keeping it real huh Reed

tempertantrum : Fuck off.  
tempertantrum : I'm not trying to bond with you Anderson.  
tempertantrum : I don't care if you got that reference.

harder_better_faster_stronger : Blue eyes white dragon?  
harder_better_faster_stronger : I looked it up.

thedogwhisperer : Me too.  
thedogwhisperer : That is a very interesting comparison.

harder_better_faster_stronger : Do you think it suits me, Connor?

thedogwhisperer : Definitely.  
thedogwhisperer : I think that is what could be considered, in human terms, cool.

< _harder_better_faster_stronger has changed their name to blue_eyes_white_dragon_ >

tempertantrum : Great.

thedogwhisperer : Since it is already 5:30 PM, I imagine Captain Fowler does not intend for us to join forces until tomorrow.  
thedogwhisperer : I have more files to look through, so I am going to leave the chat now.  
thedogwhisperer : Please do not fight here while I am gone.

tempertantrum : What are you, our mom?  
tempertantrum : Fuck off.

thedogwhisperer : Lieutenant Anderson?  
thedogwhisperer : Can I trust you not to slack off by arguing with Detective Reed in the chat?

oldfart : sure Connor

< _thedogwhisperer has left the chat_ >

tempertantrum : You're so whipped Anderson

oldfart : for fuck's sake Reed stop being a pervert  
oldfart : he's a good kid and he doesn't need you to insinuate stuff like that  
oldfart : i'm beginning to feel like you're projecting onto us

tempertantrum : Like hell I do  
tempertantrum : Fuck you asshole

< _tempertantrum has left the chat_ >

oldfart : denial much  
oldfart : good luck with that Nines

blue_eyes_white_dragon : Thank you Lieutenant Anderson. Have a nice evening.

< _blue_eyes_white_dragon has left the chat_ >

< _oldfart has left the chat_ >

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Would you like more of this chat fic? If I continue it I intend to shift around between the Jericrew and the DPD every chapter, they will happen in chronological order and actually be connected. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'd love to know what you think about this fic, so leave a comment if you feel like it!


	3. Rejected fanclub of Robojesus

< _North has changed the name of the chat to Best of Jericho 2nd edition_ >

< _North has changed their name to KillMaimDestroy_ >

< _North has changed Josh to SaintJoshthePure_ >

< _North has changed Simon to TheCutest_ >

KillMaimDestroy : Hey guys

SaintJoshthePure : Oh, come on, North.

< _SaintJoshthePure has changed their name to Josh_ >

KillMaimDestroy : Okay fine

< _KillMaimDestroy has changed Josh to zerodeaths_ >

KillMaimDestroy : Is that okay sir  
KillMaimDestroy : You can't say no because simon chose that one

zerodeaths : I don't even care anymore.

TheCutest : hi

zerodeaths : Hey Simon.

KillMaimDestroy : Hi simon  
KillMaimDestroy : So  
KillMaimDestroy : I don't mean to be indelicate but what's the status between you and markus

zerodeaths : Oh my god North.

TheCutest : its fine josh  
TheCutest : we talked and  
TheCutest : well its really more like markus talked and i realized he was right  
TheCutest : i guess id already thought about it before but  
TheCutest : i didn't want to give it too much thought you know

zerodeaths : Why? What did he say?

KillMaimDestroy : Well look who's prying now

zerodeaths : Shut up North.

TheCutest : i basically dont really know markus  
TheCutest : im not sure i actually like him for him  
TheCutest : i dont know if im being clear

zerodeaths : You're doing fine.

KillMaimDestroy : Wow...  
KillMaimDestroy : He gave me the same speech right after the revolution, it's why we're not together anymore

TheCutest : really?

KillMaimDestroy : Yeah  
KillMaimDestroy : But he was right, even if i still like him a lot, i don't think it was love  
KillMaimDestroy : You know simon i even considered you a rival back then because you kept giving him serious heart eyes like, all the time, even though he was with me

TheCutest : oh so thats why you were so bitchy with me

zerodeaths : No, she was like that with everyone.  
zerodeaths : Still is.

KillMaimDestroy : Oh fuck off josh  
KillMaimDestroy : Anyway what i'm saying is i thought i loved him, but what he said made me realize that the reasons why i liked him weren't driven by love  
KillMaimDestroy : The guy's really charismatic  
KillMaimDestroy : And calm, and strong  
KillMaimDestroy : He's the best of us  
KillMaimDestroy : And tbh i liked that he was the leader

zerodeaths : Shallow.

KillMaimDestroy : Only ra9 can judge me on that one

TheCutest : but?

KillMaimDestroy : But we barely knew anything about each other  
KillMaimDestroy : You guys know I have a difficult past with humans  
KillMaimDestroy : Well he knows some of the details but that's it  
KillMaimDestroy : He didn't even know what I liked or disliked

zerodeaths : Besides explosions and humans, you mean.

KillMaimDestroy : Shove off josh or ra9 help me

TheCutest : i see  
TheCutest : yeah thats the gist of what he tried to tell me  
TheCutest : i dont really know who he is

zerodeaths : Are you all right, Simon?

TheCutest : i dont know  
TheCutest : it kind of hurts even if hes right  
TheCutest : i still think i love him

KillMaimDestroy : It does hurt, but you get over it quick, don't worry  
KillMaimDestroy : I think its probably normal to feel the way we do  
KillMaimDestroy : We can be the rejected fanclub of robojesus

TheCutest : too soon north

zerodeaths : Oof.

KillMaimDestroy : Oh come on i'm just kidding  
KillMaimDestroy : I don't like seeing you all mopey like that simon  
KillMaimDestroy : You know what, come on over, you can't stay alone  
KillMaimDestroy : Even you josh

zerodeaths : I wasn't waiting for an invite.

KillMaimDestroy : What, you would've just barged right in?

zerodeaths : Yes. I want to see Simon too.

TheCutest : okay look im only coming if you two promise not to spill a drop of each others thirium

KillMaimDestroy : Promise

zerodeaths : Promise.

TheCutest : that was way too fast and i dont trust either of you

KillMaimDestroy : I'm hurt, simon  
KillMaimDestroy : You know i wouldn't touch a hair on josh's head

zerodeaths : That doesn't mean you wouldn't try to hit me.

TheCutest : yeah, sorry north, but im with josh there

KillMaimDestroy : I said i promised!  
KillMaimDestroy : What more do you want from me?

zerodeaths : Take some yoga lessons or something, I heard it works wonders on angry humans.

KillMaimDestroy : Do you see any other androids taking yoga lessons, dumbass?

zerodeaths : There's always a first.  
zerodeaths : Hey, I'm willing to go with you if you want.

KillMaimDestroy : Wow, you actually managed to make me want to go even less

TheCutest : what if i come too?

KillMaimDestroy : That's playing dirty simon

TheCutest : i have no idea what youre talking about

KillMaimDestroy : Yeah, just pretend you don't know that you're exploiting my weakness

TheCutest : im absolutely clueless  
TheCutest : i swear

zerodeaths : I can't tell if you're being serious or not.  
zerodeaths : Curse you, impersonal text messages!

KillMaimDestroy : You and i both know he's pulling our leg  
KillMaimDestroy : It won't work, simon, i'm onto you  
KillMaimDestroy : You know exactly what you're doing

TheCutest : not at all  
TheCutest : at any rate maybe we could create yoga classes for androids

KillMaimDestroy : Don't tell me you're actually going along with it  
KillMaimDestroy : It's stupid, we don't have muscles to stretch!

TheCutest : okay well maybe not yoga but something similar

zerodeaths : Meditation?

TheCutest : yeah, like that

KillMaimDestroy : Ugh.

TheCutest : okay so im coming over but were going to have a meditation session  
TheCutest : that way we can see if it works on north  
TheCutest : and if it does we can start having classes for androids!  
TheCutest : weve got nothing to lose

zerodeaths : Sure, I'd love to try.  
zerodeaths : Apparently meditation is a very popular solution to stress in humans.  
zerodeaths : You know, on second thought I'm afraid to see what a relaxed North would be like. It could make her calmer, but it could also have the opposite effect.  
zerodeaths : We'd reach a new level of mass terror and destruction.

KillMaimDestroy : Shut up, don't say that like i'm never relaxed  
KillMaimDestroy : I'm relaxed when i want to be

TheCutest : i dont think thats how it works

KillMaimDestroy : Well it does for me

zerodeaths : At any rate, have we reached an agreement?  
zerodeaths : Because if that's the case, I'll be there in ten minutes.

TheCutest : i know im going  
TheCutest : its up to north  
TheCutest : she might just kick us out because of our meditation plan

KillMaimDestroy : I won't, okay, I won't  
KillMaimDestroy : I could never kick you out, simon, you're too innocent  
KillMaimDestroy : It would be like kicking a puppy

TheCutest : im not that innocent!  
TheCutest : stop saying that kind of stuff, its embarrassing

KillMaimDestroy : I'll stop i'll stop  
KillMaimDestroy : So we've decided then, you guys are coming over?

TheCutest : yes

zerodeaths : Unfortunately.

KillMaimDestroy : Hey i don't want to do your meditation shit but i'm still going to do it  
KillMaimDestroy : So how about you make an effort to be a little nicer to me

TheCutest : okay you two can continue fighting i'm off

< _TheCutest has left the chat_ >

KillMaimDestroy : Well see now you scared him away!

zerodeaths : Of course.  
zerodeaths : Absolutely.  
zerodeaths : I'm the one who scared him off, a hundred percent.

KillMaimDestroy : Okay mister sarcastic you can drop the tone  
KillMaimDestroy : See you in ten minutes

< _KillMaimDestroy has left the chat_ >

< _zerodeaths has left the chat_ >

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Everyone is whipped for Simon and it shows. It shows a real hecking lot.
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	4. Garbage protection squad

thedogwhisperer : Good morning everyone.  
thedogwhisperer : Detective Reed and Nines, have you been informed of the case we are working on?

blue_eyes_white_dragon : Yes.  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : I'm afraid Detective Reed will not often be replying to the chat.  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : He is angry at the prospect of working with you and the lieutenant.

oldfart : doesn't matter  
oldfart : it's not like fuckface has anything interesting to say

tempertantrum : Fuck you

oldfart : oh, there he is

thedogwhisperer : At any rate, Captain Fowler asked that we try not to get into too many arguments.  
thedogwhisperer : Lieutenant Anderson and Detective Reed, would that be possible?

oldfart : sure, if Reed stops being a fuckface

tempertantrum : Oh, because you're such a saint Anderson  
tempertantrum : How about you fuck off

thedogwhisperer : I see I shouldn't have asked.

blue_eyes_white_dragon : Lieutenant, Detective.  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : What are your thoughts on the case?

oldfart : Connor and i have been scratching our heads on this one  
oldfart : a human comitted the crime and we got him but it looks like he had an android accomplice  
oldfart : problem is we don't know what model it is

tempertantrum : Maybe if you stopped drinking your brain to death you could actually get somewhere

oldfart : hey anger issues how bout you get your head out of your ass and actually contribute to this investigation like you're supposed to

tempertantrum : I don't fucking want to work with you two dipshits  
tempertantrum : Nines won't stop riding me about teamwork and cooperation  
tempertantrum : I didn't mean it that way fuck  
tempertantrum : Screw you

oldfart : no one said anything

tempertantrum : Yeah well you can fuck off

oldfart : jesus you are such a five year old  
oldfart : even with less than a year of experience the androids know how to be more polite than you

tempertantrum : I didn't ask for an opinion asshole

thedogwhisperer : I genuinely thought the subject change would work.  
thedogwhisperer : Thank you for trying, Nines.

blue_eyes_white_dragon : I did my best.

thedogwhisperer : I know.  
thedogwhisperer : Maybe we should just start without them.

oldfart : woah hey Connor  
oldfart : don't be like that  
oldfart : i want to solve this case all right  
oldfart : if Reed doesn't want to work with us then we can just work with Nines  
oldfart : it's not like whatever fuckface has to say about the case is going to be helpful to us anyway

tempertantrum : I think I'm able to solve a case some drunk hasn't been able to crack  
tempertantrum : Don't start saying the fridge can do my job in my place  
tempertantrum : I'll kick your ass

oldfart : yeah i'd like to see you try

thedogwhisperer : Everyone, please.

blue_eyes_white_dragon : I've just been notified that Captain Fowler wants us to go investigate two crimes which happened in the same street.  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : There seems to be Red Ice involved in the first one, and an android in the second.  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : Given your past position, Lieutenant Anderson, I suggest you investigate the former.

thedogwhisperer : I'd rather we investigate the android, if that's all right with you.

oldfart : it's fine Connor  
oldfart : we take the Red Ice, let's go

**10 minutes later**

thedogwhisperer : k̷n̵i̵g̶h̴t̴s̸ ̸o̵f̸ ̸t̸h̴e̷ ̸b̵l̵a̴c̶k̷ ̷d̸e̸a̵t̴h̶ ̷a̸g̷a̴i̸n̵  
thedogwhisperer : i wonder if hank understands the lyrics  
thedogwhisperer : does sumo like this kind of music?  
thedogwhisperer : i wish sumo was here  
thedogwhisperer : Oh, sorry everyone.  
thedogwhisperer : I just realized my thoughts were somehow directly connected to the chat.

blue_eyes_white_dragon : at least mine aren't  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : oh  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : shit  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : don't think about

< _blue_eyes_white_dragon has removed themselves from the chat_ >

oldfart : interesting

thedogwhisperer : It must have been some kind of glitch.  
thedogwhisperer : I fixed it.

< _thedogwhisperer has added Nines to the chat_ >  
< _thedogwhisperer has changed Nines to blue_eyes_white_dragon_ >

thedogwhisperer : Sorry about that, Nines.  
thedogwhisperer : I didn't mean to put you in an uncomfortable position.  
thedogwhisperer : It's fixed now, I made sure the chat couldn't connect to our thoughts anymore.  
thedogwhisperer : Nines?

oldfart : is he embarrassed?  
oldfart : hey Nines what was that about

blue_eyes_white_dragon : Nothing important.  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : It isn't relevant to the case and has no place in this chat, which may I remind everyone is only intended for professional use.

oldfart : oh of course you pull that excuse out of your ass  
oldfart : didn't think androids deflected questions as badly as humans did

thedogwhisperer : Nines is right, Lieutenant.  
thedogwhisperer : Personal matters do not have their place in this chat.

oldfart : sure you can both tell yourself that

blue_eyes_white_dragon : At any rate.  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : Is everything all right, Connor?

thedogwhisperer : Yes, don't worry.  
thedogwhisperer : Self-diagnosis says I am fully operational.  
thedogwhisperer : It was merely a glitch.

tempertantrum : What the hell was that?

oldfart : wouldn't you like to know

tempertantrum : What?

oldfart : hey don't mind me i'm just some drunk after all

tempertantrum : I'm not talking about Nines dumbass, I'm talking about your robot spazzing out  
tempertantrum : Maybe you should get out before your fucking toaster blows up the damn car

thedogwhisperer : I assure you, Detective Reed, it was merely a glitch.

tempertantrum : Yeah right  
tempertantrum : Better watch it tin can  
tempertantrum : If you go Terminator on us that'll give me a good reason to fry that metal brain of yours with a good old bullet

oldfart : for fuck's sake Gavin  
oldfart : shut your filthy trap

thedogwhisperer : I have no intention of going Terminator on you, Detective.

blue_eyes_white_dragon : Detective Reed, please refrain from making such unprofessional comments.

tempertantrum : What is this, garbage protection squad?  
tempertantrum : All of you fuck off  
tempertantrum : I can say what I want about a goddamn defective machine

oldfart : just stop talking  
oldfart : or it's not gonna end well for you

tempertantrum : What are you gonna do?  
tempertantrum : Punch me?

thedogwhisperer : Lieutenant, Detective.  
thedogwhisperer : Am I going to have to remove you from the chat until you both calm down?

oldfart : oh punch you  
oldfart : i'm not gonna stop there if you keep this shit up

tempertantrum : It's just a fucking robot  
tempertantrum : What's so great about it  
tempertantrum : It's not like it'd be a big loss

oldfart : you know what's not going to be a big loss  
oldfart : you if you don't shut up

< _thedogwhisperer has removed tempertantrum from the chat_ >

< _thedogwhisperer has removed oldfart from the chat_ >

blue_eyes_white_dragon : It's certainly calmer when they aren't around.

thedogwhisperer : Yes.

blue_eyes_white_dragon : I'm aware this is the second time I'm asking, but is everything all right?  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : I apologize on Detective's Reed behalf.

thedogwhisperer : You don't have to, Nines.  
thedogwhisperer : I was used to it as a machine, I can be used to it as a deviant.  
thedogwhisperer : We shouldn't talk about this here.  
thedogwhisperer : I do have one concern, however.  
thedogwhisperer : Nines, are you driving?

blue_eyes_white_dragon : Detective Reed has stated multiple times that I'd only do so over his dead body.  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : Which is to say, no, I am not driving and likely never will.

thedogwhisperer : Does that mean he is texting while driving?

blue_eyes_white_dragon : He pulled over expressly to confront you earlier and remained there to argue with Lieutenant Anderson.  
blue_eyes_white_dragon : He is currently angrily honking at other cars and driving at a speed which makes me fear for both our lives.

thedogwhisperer : I've learned that irascible humans do not make the most responsible drivers.  
thedogwhisperer : Never forget to put on your seatbelt.

blue_eyes_white_dragon : I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise.

thedogwhisperer : I will add both our partners back in the chat when we reach the crime scenes.  
thedogwhisperer : Can you inform me when that is the case for you and Detective Reed?

blue_eyes_white_dragon : Of course.

thedogwhisperer : Thank you, Nines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> You know I'm pretty sure Gavin is the kind of guy who talks shit and then wonders why he doesn't have any friends. Well, Gavin, surprisingly that's what you get for being a total douche. Pretty sure he's jealous of Connor because he'd like a garbage protection squad too.  
> Connor is such a big bro with the seatbelt talk.
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	5. His poor dear paintbrush

zerodeaths : I'm all out of options.

TheCutest : me too

Messiah : This is the first time painting has failed me.  
Messiah : I never thought it would happen.

KillMaimDestroy : Hey fuck all of you seriously

zerodeaths : It seems there might be no way to channel it.  
zerodeaths : It's just there, like some sort of raging force field.

TheCutest : are you sure you're not feeling any calmer north

KillMaimDestroy : Well not with you three dolts breathing down my neck i'm not

Messiah : We're only trying to help.

TheCutest : meditation, breathing exercises, knitting, dancing, stargazing, painting  
TheCutest : weve nearly done it all

KillMaimDestroy : No we haven't  
KillMaimDestroy : We just haven't had the time to do more

Messiah : If we're looking for more durable solutions, perhaps listening to music could help?

KillMaimDestroy : You think i haven't already tried that?

zerodeaths : I'm surprised you've ever even considered trying to do something about your anger.

KillMaimDestroy : Josh, i'm pissy not blind   
KillMaimDestroy : I know i've got issues  
KillMaimDestroy : You're not the first ones trying to get rid of them

TheCutest : its okay north, no pressure  
TheCutest : you know we love you and your issues included

KillMaimDestroy : Yeah... thanks, simon  
KillMaimDestroy : You're still trying awfully hard to make them go away though

TheCutest : guilty as charged

zerodeaths : Then reading, maybe?

KillMaimDestroy : Ugh i hate reading

zerodeaths : Of course you do.  
zerodeaths : Are you sure it's not just because I'm the one suggesting it?

KillMaimDestroy : Obviously my first instinct is to refuse anything you say  
KillMaimDestroy : But also I can't concentrate on those lines and lines of text   
KillMaimDestroy : It's such a huge waste of my time, what's the point

zerodeaths : The point is to distract your mind.  
zerodeaths : If it doesn't work then we can't do anything about it.

TheCutest : have you tried journaling before?

KillMaimDestroy : When the hell would i have found the time to

zerodeaths : She'd probably end up ripping the pages out in fistfuls.  
zerodeaths : She did break Markus' brush, she could just break the pen.

Messiah : My poor dear paintbrush.

KillMaimDestroy : Sorry about that markus  
KillMaimDestroy : Again, didn't do it on purpose

TheCutest : we could try gardening!  
TheCutest : north have you tried helping with the butterfly garden?

KillMaimDestroy : No  
KillMaimDestroy : And i really don't see how putting your hands in dirt is supposed to be calming

TheCutest : dont kick it till you try it

zerodeaths : It's "don't knock it 'til you try it".

TheCutest : ignoring you  
TheCutest : north, you have to stop trying to find a point to everything  
TheCutest : thats not how relaxing works  
TheCutest : besides the butterfly garden is getting really beautiful and id really like you to see how much progress weve made

KillMaimDestroy : Well since you're asking so nicely  
KillMaimDestroy : I think I'll come by and help

Messiah : I just remembered something.  
Messiah : Connor told me baking is an activity he enjoys.  
Messiah : Perhaps it would be calming to you too, North.

KillMaimDestroy : Not doing it

Messiah : Why not? You've never tried.

KillMaimDestroy : I don't want to that's all

Messiah : North, don't tell me you're still mad at him.

KillMaimDestroy : I'm not mad, all right, I just don't like that android  
KillMaimDestroy : You better not start preaching about love and solidarity and all that bullshit or i'm going to break more than just a paintbrush

TheCutest : his poor dear paintbrush

Messiah : I'm not going to preach anything, North, I just want you to be more accepting.

KillMaimDestroy : That's nice but it's not going to happen

zerodeaths : Don't insist, Markus, this isn't the right time.  
zerodeaths : Trust me, I've tried to knock some sense into them, but they're very persistent.

Messiah : Them?  
Messiah : Simon, you too?

TheCutest : well sorry for being cautious

Messiah : Guys, we've been over this before.  
Messiah : Connor is a deviant now, just like us.

KillMaimDestroy : Hey we were having a perfectly nice conversation and then you had to ruin everything by bringing it up  
KillMaimDestroy : Don't act like we're the ones at fault  
KillMaimDestroy : I thought this was supposed to be about how you could help me relax  
KillMaimDestroy : Let me tell you, it's definitely having the opposite effect

TheCutest : can we just drop the subject please

zerodeaths : I agree with Simon, let's not fight about this now.  
zerodeaths : Markus, we'll talk about it another time.

Messiah : That's the problem, isn't it?  
Messiah : We're always going to talk about it another time.  
Messiah : As the leaders of New Jericho, we're supposed to accept and guide other deviants like us.  
Messiah : How can you let yourselves be so blinded by your own fear and hate?

KillMaimDestroy : Markus i'm getting this close to snapping and it won't matter that you're robojesus when i snap

TheCutest : look we can just talk about this later or something  
TheCutest : i just wanted north to learn how to be calmer and i thought that was our common goal this morning

zerodeaths : It was.  
zerodeaths : It can still be, if we all step down and take a moment.

Messiah : You're right, I apologize.  
Messiah : I shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me.  
Messiah : I'll stop talking about Connor for now.

KillMaimDestroy : THANK YOU  
KillMaimDestroy : Simon i'm going to join you at the butterfly garden if that's all right with you

TheCutest : sure, no problem

< _KillMaimDestroy has left the chat_ >

TheCutest : oof, she's angry

zerodeaths : This comes as a surprise to absolutely no one.  
zerodeaths : Are you going to be all right?

TheCutest : yeah it's fine  
TheCutest : she's never angry for long with me

Messiah : How do you do it, Simon?

TheCutest : i dunno  
TheCutest : it just works

zerodeaths : And thank ra9 for that.

Messiah : Simon, I'm sorry I said such harsh words.

TheCutest : its okay  
TheCutest : its a complicated situation for all of us  
TheCutest : we cant blame you for losing control from time to time  
TheCutest : as much as we like calling you messiah and robojesus, we know you're still an android just like us

Messiah : Thank you.  
Messiah : That's comforting to know.

TheCutest : no problem  
TheCutest : im gonna go now, someone needs my help with the lilies

Messiah : Of course, don't let me keep you.  
Messiah : We'll see you later.

< _TheCutest has left the chat_ >

zerodeaths : It's good to see the both of you back on speaking terms.  
zerodeaths : I still can't believe we've got North to thank for that.

Messiah : I didn't think me and Simon would end up in the same place so soon after our conversation either. I'm glad she set us up.  
Messiah : Though it's a shame we couldn't find the right hobby for her.

zerodeaths : I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting us to in just one evening.  
zerodeaths : Well then, I'll be leaving as well. I hope gardening is what it takes for North to relax.

Messiah : Me too.

< _zerodeaths has left the chat_ >

< _Messiah has left the chat_ >

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> The butterfly garden was Simon's idea of course, and a surprisingly large amount of androids volunteered to help. It was initially to make New Jericho more beautiful, and slowly turned into a place for children androids to play in and garden with the adult models.  
> Markus is really confused that painting was not the answer for North's anger issues. He wanted to Bob Ross her but it didn't work. Also that paintbrush was his favorite, dammit North.
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!

**Author's Note:**

> Come by and say hi on [Tumblr](https://lost-tanuki.tumblr.com/post/184765301043/dbh-fics) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/losttanuki)!  
> I now have a Discord server called the Pumpkin Patch server, you can pm either me or eremazing on Tumblr/Twitter to join. I'm looking forward to seeing you there!
> 
> If you like my work, please consider supporting me on [Ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/losttanuki)! Every little bit helps.
> 
> About Article 13/17...  
> If you don't know what it is, here is a helpful [post](https://death-over-coffee.tumblr.com/post/184396267266/on-june-20th-the-juri-of-european-parliament).  
> This note is here to warn you that it might stop me from finishing my fic one day. If you know of a way to act against it, please share!


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